Sеx аnd Thе Singlе Mоm

At ѕоmе роint, every single mоm hеаrѕ frоm ѕоmе ѕtrаngеr thаt she’s supposed tо bе a rоlе mоdеl for her child. I’m ѕtill nоt sure whу реорlе feel the need tо асtuаllу tеll uѕ thiѕ. Aѕ if wе’vе ѕоmеhоw fоrgоttеn thаt wе аrе mоthеrѕ.

What I do know is that married couples and single dads seem to get this line much less often.

The last time I heard the phrase, it was in response to my dating life. A few folks were horrified to hear that I’d been dating a polyamorous man.

But don’t I realize I’m my daughter’s role model and my dating a polyamorous man could completely ruin her life?

If I can’t value myself for me, I need to do it for my kid!
Why am I teaching my child to lead an unsavory lifestyle?

Okay, so I’m not sure why people are so concerned about the sex and dating life of a single mom when the reality for many (if not most of us) is pretty damn boring.

Every single parent on the planet has a different philosophy when it comes to their sex lives, but I’m not too worried about the way my sex life is going to impact my kid.

I’m no prude, but I am pretty damn conscientious. Though I doubt my sex life is even anything out of the ordinary.

My mom life and my sex life are two different things.
I know it’s incredibly common for single dads to enjoy compartmentalized sex lives. So I’m curious why people think I can’t do the same thing.

My daughter doesn’t meet my dates unless they happen to be invited to her birthday party. Or if the man has kids and we can have a playdate.

For the kids, not the parents… sheesh.

But even then? If my child is present, that’s mom time. And it’s only happened 4 times in her whole life.
My daughter has never met a man as my date or boyfriend.

I don’t have overnights unless she’s away at her dad’s.
See? Separate. I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about that.

When it comes to bringing a man into the family, my standards are high.

Look, I don’t know if I’m ever going to introduce a man to my daughter as a partner of mine, but if I do? It’s going to be somebody who’s legitimate stepdad material.

In an ideal world, I’d love to meet a partner who gives my daughter the love and stability she will never get from her biological father. But that’s a very tall order from anyone.

If it happens? I imagine it’s going to happen rather organically. But I’m not holding my breath or waiting for our prince to come.

I’m allowed to have a sex life with a man who isn’t a stepfather candidate.

Again, my sex life can be completely separate from my mom life. Single dads date women they have no intention of marrying, no problem. Why can’t a single mom do the same thing?

I am upfront with everyone I date regarding my dating philosophies. I communicate to avoid leading anyone along.

But there are a lot of different types of relationships out there and single moms (like anyone else) often do have needs for sex and intimacy. It’s a damn shame to guilt single moms into celibacy unless they find a suitable stepfather for their kids.

I’m not afraid for my daughter to learn about my sex life.

As my kid gets older, she is going to have questions about sex. I’m not worried about answering her questions honestly. I don’t mind telling her about the upsides and downsides of different types of relationships.

But I’m also in no hurry for her to get interested in dating or romance.

I don’t want my daughter to grow up believing that she needs a man (or any romance) to lead a happy life. I am trying to teach my kid that she’s strong and capable enough to be her own hero.

I don’t need saving and neither will she.
Like most single mamas, I’m busy AF.

Let’s be honest. Between my writing work and my currently unschooled 5-year-old, I don’t have much time on my hands. Virtually any amount of dating I do feels like a sacrifice since my daughter has to be at her dad’s or her Nana’s just to give me a moment alone.

So it doesn’t happen much.

Any man who wants to date me needs to be equally strapped for time, or incredibly patient with me. I simply don’t have hours to invest in a serious romantic relationship right now.

But I’m still demisexual.

Despite not having much time to invest in a man, I’m still only able to bring myself to date guys who really resonate with me on a deeper level. That’s the demisexual in me.

I typically don’t do casual connections. In practice, I may have to set limits on the relationship to keep it more casual, but the reality is that I’m not attracted to many people. There has to be some esoteric understanding that even gets me interested in them at all.

In other words, I don’t date anybody just for the sex.
There needs to be a real connection with feeling, friendship, and intellectual stimulation. That’s just me.
I am 99.99% sure I’m done having children.

As a single mother, people like to ask me about my plans to eventually marry again and give my daughter a sibling. Incredibly, I think my kid will survive just fine without me birthing her a playmate.

To be fair, she’s got 4 half brothers and 2 stepsisters. But even if she didn’t have siblings through her dad, I am not about to put my body through a geriatric pregnancy.

I’m 36, y’all. Nearly 37. Having a baby at 32 almost killed me.

If I happened to marry a dude who really wanted us to have a child together, I would be up for discussing it. But seriously? He would have to be a total Super-Dad-slash-Mister-Mom type for me to even consider having a baby.

It’s unlikely, so it’s much easier telling everybody that one is enough.

So tell me again how my dating choices are going to screw up my kid?

Before becoming a mother, I was naive in many ways when it came to choosing partners. Case in point? Her dad’s choices since the pregnancy have shown me how different our values are when it comes to work and parenting.

Six years ago, I looked at dating with the rosy eyes of “love,” never realizing how much it would stink to be attached to a man who wouldn’t put in a real effort or care into parenthood.

Dating now is very different because my daughter is my priority. That’s why I keep my sex life separate from my mom life. And that’s why I don’t entertain the idea of getting serious with anyone unless they are “dad material.”

It hasn’t happened yet.

Single moms can have sex lives without shopping for a father figure for their kids. We see single dads enjoy sex lives without shopping for stepmoms for their own children. It’s no different.

Frankly, single moms don’t need reminders of their situation. We don’t need you to remind us of our place as role models. Aka parents.

Our kids will be just fine if we take care of ourselves from time to time.

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